you're just so pretty in your pain.

well, i've been really toying around with the tattoos i
possibly might really get and i have two in mind ..

i want both on my inner bicep area and
here's what they are :


they're both mayan symbols from the calendar.
the one on the left is "IK" and the right is "OC"
the reason i would get it either one is because it's
the symbol that i was born but the websites that
i go to say either or so i need more research on that.




this is a def. and why i would get "CAUAC"
is because there are only 20 days in a mayan month
and cauac represents the 19th day and well i was
born on the nineteenth so it would make sense.

i'm certain i want these as tattoos now i just
REALLY have to look into this and the typeof
ink that can go on my skin i mean i don't think
it's best for people with eczema to get tattoos but
i really want this because the mayans were apart
of el salvador and i wanna embrace that.
i love where my family came from !
:)

somethings are better left unsaid.

maybe my brother is right but this kid is my heart
and it's really impossible to let go, i can't help
but to give in to him ...

i am loving this.

so muchhhhh.
:)

desperateeeee.

i need a camera to build my portfolio and sent it on its way to FIT.

i really need help, my first choice is always NIKON:

D3000



D60

i don't know which one to choose and i'm going with my superb instict.
hence why i need help, should i try a canon? i mean i really
don't feel it's going to change my perference over the nikons.
god and the COST i just wanna submit a high quality portfolio
because i'm serious about it just with my overall GPA let's see
how serious colleges are going to take me -_-'



oh god, someone help me.

goodCLEANfun.

funny

how the people you LEAST expect to be there
at your worst are very much indeed present.


i'm glad because of that.

desanimada.

so i haven't written in here lately, it has
def. something to do with this whole mess
i was going through with ronny and it sucks
that i'm not the type of person to get over someone
that quickly and stuff but it's like i'm doing this thing
where i'm not paying much attention to it and i feel
really calm and really happy i only really cry when i
talk to him about it or one of my friends 'cause it hurts
to get your heartbroken in general. i need to learn to let
go because he's with her now as i said he would be and
he seems pretty content, he's not fully over me and we
both know it. we'll see how time handles it and i started
talking to my friend karla again, it was great to finally
really relate to someone who went through this similar
problem, i feel closer to her now and it's great. honest.
i need to talk to more people, because when i was with
him i stopped talking to so many and isolated myself for
him and i don't understand why but that's the past now
and i need to live for the future plus this is my senior year
and i'm really going to make it the best that i possibly can
with or without him. but i honest to god think that it's going
to be hard for anyone to separate us because we have this
chemistry like it's freaking unbelievable as friends you can
sense it and just imagine like us being together, i don't know
but it's really amazing. bottom line i really need to let go.
because moping around for him isn't going to get me anywhere
i need to prepare myself for the SATs, look into different colleges
you know prepare myself because it's gunna be a hectic and
expensive future i'm looking at with the photography major
i'm looking into i just really need to experiment and find the
potential i know i have in me.



wish me luck.
:)

i do.

ThatsLifeYo (3:02:28 PM): he called me this morning.

ThatsLifeYo (3:02:39 PM): i didn't wish him a happy birthday.

ThatsLifeYo (3:02:47 PM): he said he liked my card.

AndYourPoint iis (3:06:09 PM): today is his bday?

ThatsLifeYo (3:09:56 PM): yeah.

ThatsLifeYo (3:10:01 PM): he's now eighteen.

ThatsLifeYo (3:10:04 PM): i feel stupid.

ThatsLifeYo (3:10:34 PM): i told him i loved him. he said me too, it felt awkward and he sounded different.

AndYourPoint iis (3:13:14 PM): oh godd.

ThatsLifeYo (3:13:53 PM): ?

AndYourPoint iis (3:17:22 PM): you told him you love him.

ThatsLifeYo (3:17:57 PM): it came out, i feel like i'm so used to saying it.

AndYourPoint iis (3:19:19 PM): I see.

AndYourPoint iis (3:19:30 PM): he said it back too.

ThatsLifeYo (3:20:00 PM): not way he usually says it. and plus i felt like he didn't wanna say it but if he didn't that would hurt.

ThatsLifeYo (3:20:20 PM): me.

AndYourPoint iis (3:21:25 PM): :/

ThatsLifeYo (3:21:40 PM): he never says me too. never dhariana.

ThatsLifeYo (3:22:30 PM): i need to get over this kid..

ThatsLifeYo (3:22:41 PM): things like this never go my way.

AndYourPoint iis (3:30:40 PM): calling him seven times in 20 minutes.

AndYourPoint iis (3:30:52 PM): I don't think its a good way to get over him.

AndYourPoint iis (3:30:59 PM): you need to let go.

te llore un rio.

well, eff my life at the moment.
fuck you for coming back into his life.
fuck you for questioning your feelings towards her.
if a relationship doesn't work the first time or third
why even bother?


i've learned that.
i'm not going to waste my time with this shit.
and what sucks the most?
i seem to have been falling for you more, and more.
i hate to be this attached to someone.
i can't believe this shit.

Hayao Miyazaki

well, after seeing the trailer for "ponyo", ronny started
commenting about the director and how he also made
"howl's moving castle" which i didn't know but i like the
film and i told him how i liked this other film called
"kiki's delivery service" which i just recently found out
that he directed as well. i was like WOAHH. this man
be a gee. i think he might take me to see it.
and i think i'll really enjoy this film, but he has
yet to see so many films such as fight club, y tu
mama tambien and full metal jacket 'cause i could
name so many more. i have decent taste in films.

my mother of god.

seems like every relationship i'm in people think or know that
they have feelings for another && that shit i really unfair to me.
i hate it, you know and i never believed it could happen in this
relationship with ronny. i believe so much in this, i do.

but he fucked this, and truth be told i'm really going to have
a harder time trusting him. what the fuck have i done to make
these fucking people question their feelings towards others.
fuck that, i don't need this shit & if he does come to conclusion
that he does have feelings for her, that is it. i'm not going to be
involved in a relationship with another fucker. i'm young and
i will do as i please. it hurts me so much to know that the
person i've wanted for so long and now have could have feelings
for someone else. i don't find anything wrong with me talking to
luis, so what if he was my ex, he was my friend first. and letty?
she's here to stay. it's wrong of me but i'm the type of person that
isn't really fair at all. it's my way or else you're fucked.
i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore.

and what's the fucking deal with people i'm involved with calling
me their exes or their former intrests names like.
letty - amanda
john - don't remember, but probably called me stephanie.
luis - erica.
ronny - amanda,
pardon me but i'm FED up with the name "amanda" , and if
you do call me another name, it's obvious you have something
towards them.

ay dios mio, la gente.

anyways, i really want to go to trash and burn but i'm not sure
the economic situations not well at all and i am going to dorney
park next sunday but i've been stuck in this house ever since we
got back. all i do is take care of emely, i need to enjoy myself a
little bit with my own friends and maybe not my boyfriend.
everyone needs space.

P.S. TRUE BLOOD IS ONLY FREAKING GETTING BETTER :D

why did this start?

OH GOD.
why.
why.
why.
why.
why.


dramatic.
that's how i feel but it's life here i go
with the sameeeee thinking, what if i don't get
to live my teenage yrs cause of a relationship?
we ALL know i'm MEANT to be single but
it's nice having someone that you longed for.
it's exciting, but like i really hope i don't fuck
this up & cheat like i have ... well .. yeah >.O
i'm not proud to have double timed certain
individuals, but that's all in the past now.


why can't YOU leave me alone fucker?
you're really cockblocking like jesus,
i broke up with you for a reason.
our relationship was worn out, ropa vieja.


i moved on and i just wanna make it work with him.
leave in peace now, srsly.

the monster mash.

i've been nuts to write in this, i haven't been consistent
and for tht i'm dissapointed but that's fine, i'll make it up
i think i really wanted to do the youtube videos mainly because
i guess one day if i really dedicate myself to, i'll become a tv personality
i don't know, one day it just came to me while i was watching AOTS
but yes .. my vacation in the bahamas was amazing even though the
salt water fucked me over THEN but , it made my skin look great
my skin hasn't flared up.
fucking eczema.
i really miss my father, i still want to see
Harry Potter & The Half- Blood Prince
my senior yr. of school & i need to build up my portfolio for
photography maybe a new camera, i want a job once i start if
i can even get one seeing as the fucking economy is ass backwards
at the moment. ugh, senior yr. i feel fucking old, i need to get my
permit by the end of this yr. it'll help i think.
look at me i'm peeling.
i need to have some connection to dhariana, she's the closest thing i
have to a best friend like srsly, i feel so comfortable around her but it
seems as though i'm irritating here, i guess i'm an annoying person to
be around but who isn't? mmaybe it's the way things happen that have
made her act this way. i don't know why people don't get to know me.
ronny and i are fine, i'm glad he's my companion :)
he excites me in sooo many ways ;)
oh god, does he.

anyways.. getting carried away here.
<_< i'm getting off this.


i need more real friends.

Casio Exilim XS-S5

that is the brand of my new camera and although it was pricey,
it's been really wonderful so FAR! :D YES, can not wait to
capture the beauty of the bahamas with my little toy aghhh.
AND like i mentioned before in my previous blog it has a youtube mode
which is great for me since i wanna start making videos and such.
ugh, tomorrow to the pool yayyy!!
i'll write again tomorrow :D



au revoir<3

ideas.

well, i've been thinking...
that i want to start making YouTube videos!!
you know like those girls doing hair and makeup tutorials also like
reviewsfor certain products or vlogging when i don't feel like typing
at all. and i think it really might be a nice and interesting way of
meeting new people. i think why i really wanna do it is because i do
have a passion for make up and fashion and stuff and i think by
doing stuff like that it might make me better at doing my make up
and stuff. trial and error ladies and gents. who are non-existant
because i'm pretty sure no ONE is reading this ... YET!!


but yes, i do have a couple of friends that are interested in
making YouTube videos like my BEST friend Brandon. and
i want variety to my YouTube Channel :)



Good Thing my camera has a YouTube Mode for like recording and stuff,
i think that would be REALLY useful and stuff. this is just a temporary
camera though because i wanna save up for my DSLR so i can build
up my portfolio for college applications and such. and i need to start
going to this after school program once it starts so i can work in the
darkroom and do more stuff learn more and learn about my style and
the "skills" i possess which are hidden somewhere inside ...
i know i have potential i just need to experiment more and stuff.



AND omg. i CAN NOT wait for my family vacation.
we're going on a cruise to the bahamas!!
it's going to be sooooooo GREAT.
ugh, JUST about 1 more week left :(


i wonder where my boyfriend & my dharii are >_O
BLAH!

ticked.

i'm really bothered ; earlier today i purchased my first camera online
& i bought it at bestbuy.com when i get home, my sister in law tells me
that she bets i could have gotten it cheaper at walmart.com ... well guess what?!


it did happen, not only could i have gotten it cheaper i could have had a
8 gig memory card instead of a 2 gig even tho it was free, it still would have
came out way cheaper, ugh I'M really really pissed and i tried calling to cancel
the order and they say its not possible cause it's already been shipped.
what the fuck?! are you serious, i JUST ordered it like a couple of hours ago.
ugh ... i know im not going to get over this at least for a couple of months.
i am that type of person. and i just ordered any camera really because
the cameras that i was usually run over 300 dollars and i dont have that
type of money. instead of waiting and using that money for my bahamas
trip, i feel like a dick...



but yes this is the camera i purchased:

it's official.

ronny & i are boyfriend and girlfriend.
wow ... it's amazing because NO ONE would have thought
about it and i'm SOOOO serious when i say this.
it ALL started freshman year of high school, we had living
environment together and i had the only crush on him but apparently
he thought i had hated him because when i was younger i
would really act like i didnt like those who i had something
for <_<''>o i had the same lunch period as him and we got closer
and closer until this one day in march of this year where some dreams
i had with him had led me to telling him that i liked him, and for awhile
i didnt think he did like me because at the moment he was involved
with someone and it was very complicated between him for awhile ....
i was very confused and so was he when he broke up with the girl
he was seeing, everything seem better we no longer had to sneak
kisses and make false promises that we knew we would break.
we were inevitable ... one of his favourite words.
well, of course everyone we knew started saying even more that
we're going out or that we shud be together and now weeks and
days later here we are. we're together.


and i'm so happy now that i'm with him.
i just hope that I don't do anything to threaten this relationship <3

NYC PRIDE '09

it was amazing because i spent it with the people i love the most!
my girls, dharii, jennifer & francis.
it was really great, &+ we ate some really great pizza.
here are some of the flicks from pride which were all taken by moi:

she was just seventeen, you know what i mean.

i turned seventeen today.



i feel responsibility creeping up on behind me.
im starting to view a lot of things differently, like perhaps
getting a job i've been really back and forth on these things.
but i think i might go through with it my senior year instead
of waiting for my parents to come through with the money..


wow, senior year of high school then its off to college.
GOD knows where im going to end up .... ugh AND i still
need to take my SAT's >_O that's going to be extremely
difficult. blah. i feel like such a slacker.
i have a goal of getting my permit before the summer ends,.
i think i will have to settle on before this year because ..
i feel all antsy about these things and im not in the mood
for another panic attack.

i will do my best to enjoy myself today.
shopping with dhariana for my outfit tomorrow.
<3

i realized.

that i LOVE freecreditreport.com commercials, they really and truley are the BEST commercials out there!





my favorite :)

this new year stuff isn't as promising as it might seem.

so, i had the best weekend ever, with the exception
that my dhariana wasn't there & that really upset me.


January 10th;
my brother turned 26 & we celebrated by having a
casino themed surprise party, & although he was extremely suspicious
he indeed turned out surprised in the end, & i wasn't happier.









carlos, julio & me.













dylan getting down.













john & i.



January 11th;
So i lost my boo's number & he couldn't make it to the party
& i had to make it up to him so he spent the whole day with
me & my fams. we had so much fun being idiots.










my boo & i.













my moms.










my boo & i again.













my sister & her dad.

Straight To Chinatown.

so after coming home from massachusetts with my dad,
the bus leaves me to chinatown & my mom needed to buy
some things for the ceviche she was making.
& the next thing you know i'm having :
- Lychee Bubble Tea.
- Strawberry & Almond Crush Pocky.
- Lychee & Ginger Candy.


& For Me That Was A Wrappppppp!
:)